Father O’Malley’s Picks of the Week! – Week 7
By: Father O’Malley
A Friend of the Clergy
This week Father Peter O’Malley traveled to Newark, NJ to attend Bobby Venidetti’s “Master of Betting” seminar in attempts to strengthen his picking skills. During the week long seminar Father O’Malley was trained under the skill and mastery of Mr. Venidetti. Father O learned several useful tools in the craft of gambling while away at the seminar. For example, Father O learned that it is proper edict for breaking someone’s legs. I is important to first verbally warn a person that you are going to break their legs, before actually doing so. This verbal warning “puts the fear of God in the bum loser who doesn’t pay up” according to Mr. Venidetti. Father O was also trained in: proper techniques for popping knee caps, the art of hammer smashing, money laundering, how to pay off public officials and geographically sound locations to dispose of bodies. So after all, the “Master of Betting” seminar really wasn’t any help to Father O’Malley in how to pick winners, but it did teach him several new tactics for acquiring larger amounts of money in the offertory each Sunday!
Week 7 Picks
Game 1
#20 Oklahoma vs. #3 Texas (12:00 PM Kickoff), Dallas, TX
Father O says: Nothing like Oklahoma vs. Texas in the Cotton Bowl! This game is going to be like one of those old Western movies. Two giants collide at high noon. Big Game Bob vs. Mack Daddy Brown, it is going to be a good one for sure! Plus there is a love story in this Western. Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford have a special “bro-mance” that I personally think is a little “seminarian” if you know what I mean. This game gives the old quote from Full Metal Jacket, “There’s only two things from Texas, Steers and Queers…” a whole new meaning! The good thing is, this game as both! Texas 14-13
Game 2
#11 Iowa vs. Wisconsin (12:00 PM Kickoff), Madison, WI
Father O says: The Hawkeyes beat up Michigan last Saturday Night in Iowa City making a statement to the entire College Football Nation. Wisconsin on the other hand, got stomped by Ohio State last Saturday. Frankly, I think the Wisconsin players have been enjoying the local Oktoberfest a little too much lately, and were a little stopped up if you know what I mean? The good thing for Wisconsin is that they had a good colon cleansing loss against Ohio State to clear things up. I have a feeling that there is going to be a different Wisconsin Badgers football team playing this Saturday… a much lighter and more relieved Wisconsin Badgers team! My spiritual awareness is telling me to pick Wisconsin and I have to go with the spiritual awareness! Wisconsin 24-17.
Game 3
#6 USC vs. #25 Notre Dame (3:30 PM Kickoff), South Bend, IN
Father O says: The Irish are going to break out of their losing streak against the Satan worshipping Southern California Rubbers, and bring the Jeweled Shillelagh back to South Bend. Who cares that USC is #6 in the country? Who cares that USC has beaten Notre Dame 7 straight years? Who cares that Pete Carroll sold his soul to the devil? You really want to know who cares…JESUS CHRIST cares! The almighty is going to take care of the Irish on Saturday! For starters, USC is #6 in the country. If you add two more 6’s, what do you get? 666, which we all know is the sign of the beast. Secondly, if you play the song “Lean on me” (which is a USC team favorite) backwards, it says “USC loves the devil”. Those damn Satan worshiping hippies! And finally, do you think it is a coincidence that Notre Dame’s QB’s (or savior as I like to call him) initials are J.C.? I don’t think so! Notre Dame 17-14.
Game 4
# 4 Virginia Tech vs. #19 Georgia Tech (6:00 PM Kickoff), Atlanta, GA
Father O says: The Battle between the dorky Tech schools with good football teams. Virginia Tech is by far the best one loss team in the nation, hands down. Georgia Tech is the best college team in the state of Georgia, no questions asked. The last time Virginia Tech played in Atlanta, they lost to Alabama. Apparently they had a little too much fun at the little five points. I don’t think that is going to be the case this time. Georgia Tech is good, but they are no Alabama. Virginia Tech will win this easily. Virginia Tech 35-14.
Game 5
#22 South Carolina vs. # 2 Alabama (7:45PM Kickoff), Tuscaloosa, AL
Father O says: This week is homecoming in Tuscaloosa. What’s Alabama’s Homecoming slogan?…“Alabama Homecoming 2009, No Cocks Allowed!” Each week Alabama looks better and better, really making their case for the National Title game. Bear Bryant is looking down from heaven and likes what he sees! South Carolina has the Ole Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier or the #1 Cock as some call him. South Carolina has one of the best teams that they have had in years. Still with the best team they have had in years, they are still no match for Alabama. Nick Saban and Alabama are just too good for South Carolina and the #1 Cock. Alabama 38-14.
Check back on Monday for Father O’Malley’s Week 7 Results!
