Father O’Malley’s Picks of the Week! – Week 8
By: Father O’Malley
A Friend of the Clergy
When we last updated you on Monday regarding Father Peter O’Malley, we had no idea of his whereabouts. Hours after we posted Father O’s results from Week 7, we found him passed out underneath a bridge, with an empty bottle of Zima in his hand. When he awoke, we started asking him some questions. We asked why he didn’t let anyone know where he was, why he took off, and certainly why in the hell he was drinking Zima! Father O went on to explain that he had lost all hope in the world after his “piss-poor performance” with his weekly picks, and Notre Dame’s loss Saturday night. “Notre Dame used to be good,” said Father O while crying. “Then we hired that gastric by-pass of a coach, Charlie Weis! If that fat bastard would put half the effort he puts into eating into coaching, Notre Dame wouldn’t lose a game!” said Father O. Father O went further into his drunken depression and explained when he hit rock bottom. “I went into the Liquor Mart and asked where the drinks for the most pathetic losers were… that’s when Mohammad pointed to the Zima’s. I had to drink 3 cases of those damn things even to get a buzz!”
After getting Father O back to the rectory and cleaning him up, we sat down and talked football, his true passion in life. He said that since he can’t pick winners, he is going to take the 5 worst teams in the nation, and pick their games. “Hell it can’t get any worse, maybe next week I’ll pick High School games!”
Week 8 Picks
Game 1
Ball State (0-7) vs. Eastern Michigan (0-6) 1:00 PM Kickoff, Ypsilanti, MI
Father O says: Both teams haven’t won a game yet! They haven’t even come close. Ball State lost to New Hampshire 23-16. What the hell do people in New Hampshire know about football? I’m sure they could help you with getting maple syrup from a tree or even help teaching you how to ski, come on, seriously, you lost to New Hampshire in Football. They aren’t even a D-1A school. And don’t think you are getting off easy either Eastern Michigan. You lost to Army. The very same Army team that lost to Duke… LOST TO DUKE! We’re not talking about lost to Duke in basketball, were talking about football. You lost to a team so bad that they lost to Duke. I honestly have no idea who is going to win this one. The good thing is that after this game is played, one of them will have won! Hopefully… will have won! I am going to go with Eastern Michigan to win in the 3rd overtime. Eastern Michigan 2-0.
Game 2
Miami (OH) (0-7) vs. Northern Illinois (3-3) 1:00 PM Kickoff, Miami, OH
Father O says: Miami of Ohio hasn’t been good since “the golden child” Ben Roethlisberger played there 6 years ago. They haven’t won a game yet this year, and went 2-10 last year. So basically in the past two seasons they have managed to win 2 games, good job, that’s a real accomplishment. Northern Illinois is a good team, not great. They beat Purdue earlier in the season, but they also lost to Idaho. This isn’t a tough decision to make. Miami of Ohio… you suck… accept that you suck. Maybe you can set a record for the most consecutive loses by a team, because you won’t be breaking any other records. Northern Illinois 42-3.
Game 3
Western Kentucky (0-6) vs. Middle Tennessee State (3-3) 3:30 Kickoff, Murfreesboro, TN
Father O says: A bunch of hillbilly losers from Kentucky playing in the middle of Tennessee. Who was the genius who came up with that name, Middle Tennessee State? “Heck, were does you go to school… In the middle of Tennessee?” Maybe after the game, both teams can exchange moonshine recipes? Western Kentucky should have never moved up from I-AA, they just aren’t a division 1-A team, plain and simple. Middle Tennessee State wins, 20-7.
Game 4
Rice (0-7) vs. Central Florida (3-3) 3:30 pm Kickoff, Houston, TX
Father O says: Central Florida is going to eat rice alive, like a bunch of NVA in the middle of Saigon. I don’t even know why Rice has a football team. It probably costs them more money to run the program than they actually bring in. Their scholarship program that they offer to students athletes consists of the coupon books that you get in the mail. Central Florida wins 84-3.
Game 5
New Mexico (0-6) vs. UNLV (2-5) 8:00PM Kickoff, Albuquerque, NW
Father O says: Too bad this game isn’t in Vegas… it would have made it a lot more interesting. Vegas is a great city, especially the “ranches” that they have out there. Oh…good times. I am going to flip a coin on this one, because I really have no idea. I would rather watch a powder puff football game, than New Mexico vs. UNLV. New Mexico 3-0.
Check back on Monday for Father O’Malley’s results!
